Yesung looked up from the paper he was reading. He smiled as Ryeowook, his boyfriend, walked over. Wookie took a seat next to him and leaned in brushing their hands together.
“What are you doing?” Yesung asked.
“I’m visiting my boyfriend before Hankyung takes you away from me.” Wookie said careful to keep his eyes away from Yesung’s.
“Hankyung isn’t the one taking me away. He’s hurt and he needs me and Eunhyuk.” Yesung answered quietly putting his things into his bag.
“Needs you? Yesung, he’s a mess. He made Eunhyuk cry. He yelled at you.” Wookie insisted.
“He did not yell at me. He would never yell at me. He just answered a bit irritably, but I can let that go since he’s let go of more things for me. And he has every right to be irritable.”
“Right? What right?”
Yesung didn’t know why he was so bothered by this conversation. Ryeowook was just worrying like any boyfriend would worry. He was being Ryeowook. It should be cute. Yesung should be flattered, but he was just annoyed.
Ryeowook didn’t understand. Hankyung was suffering. Wookie’s friend, Heechul, was responsible for it. Hankyung was so upset because Heechul had left without a word, without a hint as to when he would be back and Hankyung was dying to see him. Yesung knew for a fact that Hankyung would do anything to know where Heechul was and Ryeowook knew.
So, he was a bit more than annoyed to know that his boyfriend had the ability to help his best friend and didn’t do it. That was enough to annoy Yesung. And added to that was the fact that Ryeowook seemed to think that Hankyung didn’t need Yesung, that Hankyung was just being annoying.
Could Ryeowook really be that blind? Couldn’t he see how much Hankyung was hurting? Didn’t he see how that was affecting Yesung?
Yesung loved Hankyung. He had loved that man since they had met when they were just little children. He would always love Hankyung and he knew that Hankyung would always love him. It was a given, a thing that they had established long before they had ever dated. Of course, Yesung would be upset that Hankyung was so lost and scared.
He thought that everyone would understand. He thought Wookie of all people would understand that he needed to be with his friend, that he needed to provide some of the comfort that Hankyung had always given him, that he would never abandon Hankyung, never.
“Yesung.” Wookie said after the long silence that hovered between them.
Yesung pulled up his bag and started walking. He didn’t want to talk, not yet. He needed to clear a few things first. He didn’t understand yet why he was so distant. He should be hugging Wookie, should be holding his hand, should be laughing with him. But, Wookie had bad mouthed Hankyung and no one was allowed to do that except Eunhyuk.
“Yesung, wait.” Wookie called loudly enough for the librarian to frown at them.
Yesung offered her his innocent smile and she looked away. Sometimes being part of the Golden Boys was useful. It did get him unlimited access to the library. He was allowed to go where he pleased and all because his name was Yesung.
“Yesung.” Wookie said when he caught up. “What was that?”
“This is a library.” Yesung whispered. “We have to be quiet here. People are trying to study.”
“You aren’t mad at me are you?” Ryeowook asked once they were outside.
Yesung kept his face carefully blank and kept walking. He let his silence speak for him. It was something that they had both gotten used to. There was silence whenever they fought now. They didn’t talk it out anymore. They didn’t even fix things. All they did was be quiet and the next day they would act as if nothing happened.
It was starting to build up, to work against them. Sometimes Yesung was so annoyed that any little thing would start an argument. He was so sick of it, so sick of not knowing what to do or say, sick of their distance. He wanted it to be like in the beginning. He wanted to be able to smile whenever he thought of Ryeowook.
Now a days all he did was sigh and frown whenever he even thought of the other man. They were not supposed to be like that. They were supposed to be happy together. They were supposed to be like Eunhyuk and Donghae who couldn’t stop looking at each other, who smiled whenever the other so much as walked into a room, who could find each other anywhere without trying.
He wanted that. He missed that. He wanted to feel safe and secure again. But, he knew that for that one of them had to take the first step. One of them had to give up their comfort to start the talk that they needed to have. And he knew that no matter what happened Wookie would never do it and he wasn’t too sure he could. Ryeowook never gave anyone a chance to hurt him, but Yesung had that chance for so long.
He had the opportunity to hurt Wookie, because Ryeowook had handed over his heart on a silver platter. Yesung had taken it. He had cared for it more than he had ever thought he would be able to. But, he had made a mistake along the way. He had never given Ryeowook his heart, not entirely. He had always kept a part to himself, the part that was Hankyung.
He had done a lot of comparison between the two. He knew it was normal. He had seen Hankyung do it when he had started dating Heechul. He had seen Hankyung compare, had even heard the comparisons from Hankyung himself. But, Hankyung had found the one person he could give his heart over to completely. And Yesung had watched as Hankyung slowly, but surely, gave Heechul everything.
And it had made him happy, had made him hopeful that he too could do it, that he could find someone to love the way Hankyung loved, the way Eunhyuk loved. But, he had found that comparisons weren’t a good thing. Hankyung had compared and accepted. He, Yesung, had compared and could not accept.
There were too many differences, too many clashes. He loved Wookie, but he knew that for now at least, he was more in love with Donghae than Wookie. And that wasn’t right. He loved Donghae as a friend, but he was supposed to love Wookie in a different way, in a better way. Ryeowook deserved that.
“You’re mad at me because I won’t tell you where Heechul is, right?”
Yesung frowned. That was one reason, but it was a superficial one, one that he thought Ryeowook would be able to see through. It made him sad to think that maybe he wasn’t the oblivious one, but Wookie.
“Why would I be mad at you?” He said keeping his fast pace. “Heechul was the one that left Hankyung even though Hankyung loves him more than even Hankyung knows. Heechul was the one that promised a weekend and made it a month. Heechul was the one that broke my best friend’s heart. I’m not mad at you. Why would I be mad at you for keeping Hankyung away from Heechul? You must have your reasons.”
He slowed down as Ryeowook started to fall back. Here they were again. They were following a pattern. Silence. Silence was the distance between them. Silence pushed them further apart each day. Silence kept them from telling each other what they really wanted to say.
“It isn’t even about Heechul right now.” Yesung said slowing down again. “It’s about us and how we’re drifting apart.”
Yesung turned around. He looked at Wookie who just gave him an open mouthed stare.
“We are drifting apart Wookie. What do we know about each other? Nothing, because we never talk anymore. We don’t talk when we argue. We just walk away.”
Yesung waited for something. He waited like he always waited, knowing that he would be disappointed in the end. But, this time Wookie did speak. He came to take Yesung’s hand and pulled him so that they were looking into each other’s eyes.
“I love you Yesung.” Ryeowook said. “I don’t want to drift. I promise I’ll do better, just don’t throw everything away yet, please.”
Yesung frowned. It sounded so rehearsed. He had heard that same speech hundreds of times before Wookie stopped trying to make things better after a fight. He had heard that same intonation. The same words, even the actions were the same.
“I love you too.” He said the words coming out automatically.
He returned Wookie’s smile, but moved his face so that Ryeowook’s lips landed on his cheek. Wookie didn’t even notice as he ran off to meet with who knew who. Yesung sighed and walked back to class.
Eunhyuk was waiting for him at the entrance of the class.
“Is he here?” Yesung asked knowing that Hankyung wouldn’t be there.
“No, but he’s coming. I’m worried about him Yesung. He hasn’t slept in days. I heard him last night. He was sitting on the couch watching TV. He’s going to pass out one day if he keeps that up. You know he hasn’t even been eating well?” Eunhyuk said close to tears.
Yesung pulled the other man close. “I know, Hyukkie, but we have to give him time.”
“He’s had enough of that.” Eunhyuk insisted as they walked into class. “Heechul’s been gone a long time.”
Yesung saw how Eunhyuk’s eyes found Donghae immediately. He watched the light that came into his friend’s eyes as he looked at Donghae. It was so different from the dead looks he’d carried when Donghae had left him.
“Would you get over it in a month if it were Donghae that left you?” Yesung whispered settling down near the back of the class.
“No.” Eunhyuk answered sitting down next to him, but leaving a space between them for Hankyung. “But, what are we going to do if Heechul doesn’t come back? Donghae doesn’t know if he’s coming back or not.”
“Donghae knows where he is?” Yesung asked.
“Yes. They have known each other forever. Wookie knows too. But, Heechul made them swear they wouldn’t tell and friends before boyfriends. They’re like us.”
Yesung frowned. It would be so easy if Donghae and Ryeowook would just tell Hankyung and get it over it. But, Yesung had to admit to himself that he didn’t want Hankyung to know. If Heechul wasn’t coming back then there was no reason to torture Hankyung with that. If Heechul was fool enough to think that Hankyung wasn’t good enough for him then Hankyung didn’t need to beg. Yesung knew that the instant Hankyung knew where Heechul was, he would go and find him. And if Heechul had given up so easily then he didn’t deserve Hankyung.
As far as anything went, Yesung preferred it if Hankyung didn’t know. He knew it would take time to get back the Hankyung they loved, but he would wait. Hankyung had always waited for them, had always watched them, had loved them like few people could and he would wait. Hankyung would come back because Hankyung was the perfect Golden Boy. He would come back because they needed him. And all Yesung had to do was wait for him.
Hankyung slipped into class a minute before it started. He sat down next to them and started taking notes without a word. Yesung watched him and when the class ended and Hankyung still didn’t move he touched his arm.
“What?” Hankyung asked frowning.
“The class is over.”
Yesung watched Hankyung and his heart went out to his friend. He watched Hankyung fall to his knees in front of Donghae and he wanted nothing more than to fall with him. Hankyung had to be strong. He had to be. They all depended on him. Yesung needed him.
He looked at Wookie, desperate. Give him what he wants, he thought. Just tell him already. He didn’t want to see Hankyung like that. He wanted his friend to smile and be happy. Please, he thought at Wookie, just tell him.
Ryeowook looked at him and there was no doubt in Yesung’s head that Wookie understood.
“Donghae just tell him.” Wookie said finally.
Yesung shot him a grateful smile. He waited for the others to leave before he talked to Ryeowook.
“Thank you.” He said.
“Maybe now you’ll understand that we’re not drifting apart. I knew what you wanted and I gave it to you. Are you happy?” Wookie asked as they walked.
Yesung was far from happy. He was upset, tired and he felt each of Ryeowook’s words as an accusation. As if he was complaining for no reason. As if Wookie gave him everything he ever asked for.
He almost laughed out loud at that one. Wookie gave him nothing, not even close to what he wanted. Ryeowook was obsessed with being a saint for Yesung. They held hands. They kissed. They spent the night in each other’s arms, but always, before it got farther than heated kisses, Ryeowook would pull away.
It had been nice at first, something Yesung had loved, to be held without having to give anything. He had liked how Ryeowook cared about him and not about anything else. And then it had spanned to two years, two long years in which all he had for company at night was a sleeping Wookie.
At first he had thought that it was because Wookie was being nice. But, lately he’d had the vague suspicion that maybe Wookie had been getting favors from other people. It didn’t mean that he didn’t love Yesung. It just meant that Yesung didn’t get what he wanted, but Ryeowook did. And in a weird way, it made Yesung feel better to think that there was a way out of this commitment with Ryeowook.
Was he a bad boyfriend for wishing it could be over? Was he a bad person for wanting to move on? Did he have to spend the rest of his life with Ryeowook? Did they have to have a happy ending? Couldn’t they just be friends?
A/N: Now there it is and the chapter is done and yeah...well I'll leave this one open to anyone who wants to come and comment. It's the first chapter so's I'll leave it open to whoever gets there first and yeah...I hope I don't upset anyone too much and thanks for all the support. Do let me know what you think. <3